If you’re having difficulty convincing a loved one or someone else that wheat should be eliminated from the human diet, here are some useful one-liners to use:
Wheat makes your boobs big.
(This is true. Priceless for women to use on their husbands.)
Wheat causes dementia.
(And confirmed on examination of brain tissue at autopsy. Yes, autopsy.)
Wheat makes you look pregnant.
(The visceral fat of a wheat belly does a darn good imitation of a near-term infant.)
The first sign of wheat intolerance can be wetting your pants.
(Cerebellar ataxia, i.e., destruction and atrophy of the cerebellum, caused by wheat leads to loss of coordination and bladder control. Average age of onset: 53 years old.)
White flour bad, whole grain better; just as Marlboros are bad, Salems are better.
(The flawed syllogism that led to the “eat more healthy whole grain” colossal blunder.)
Wheat is the only food with its very own mortality rate.
(Celiac disease, osteoporotic hip fractures, and the neurologic diseases triggered by wheat can be fatal.)
“Wheat” is no longer wheat; it’s the dwarf mutant that came from genetics research in the 1960s.
(Over 99% of all wheat today comes from the 18-inch tall dwarf mutant.)
Wheat increases blood sugar higher than nearly all other foods.
(Higher than Milky Way bars, higher than Snickers bars, higher than table sugar.)
There you have it: A full arsenal of one-liners to shoot at your husband, wife, or friend when they roll their eyes at your refusal to consume this thing called “wheat.”
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