If you would like to become diabetic in as short a time as possible, or if you have someone you don’t like–ex-spouse, nasty neighbor, cranky mother-in-law–whose health you’d like to booby trap, then here’s an easy-to-follow 5-step plan to make you or your target diabetic.
1) Cut your fat and eat healthy, whole grains–Yes, reduce satiety-inducing foods and replace the calories with appetite-increasing foods, such as whole grain bread, that skyrocket blood sugar higher than a candy bar.
2) Consume one or more servings of juice or soda per day–The fructose from the sucrose or high-fructose corn syrup will grow visceral fat and cultivate resistance to insulin.
3) Follow the Institute of Medicine’s advice on vitamin D–Take no more than 600 units vitamin D per day. This will allow abnormal levels of insulin resistance to persist, driving up blood sugar, grow visceral fat, and allow abnormal inflammatory phenomena to persist.
4) Have a bowl of oatmeal or oat cereal every morning–Because oat products skyrocket blood sugar, the repeated high sugars will damage the pancreatic beta cells (“glucose toxicity“), eventually impairing pancreatic insulin production. (Entice your target even further: “Would you like a little honey with your oatmeal?”) To make your diabetes-creating breakfast concoction even more effective, make the oatmeal using bottled water. Many popular bottled waters, like Coca Cola’s Dasani or Pepsi’s Aquafina, are filtered waters. This means they are devoid of magnesium, a mineral important for regulating insulin responses.
5) Take a diuretic (like hydrochlorothiazide, or HCTZ) or beta blocker (like metoprolol or atenolol) for blood pressure–Likelihood of diabetes increases 30% with these common blood pressure agents.
There you have it! Perhaps we should assemble a convenient do-it-yourself-at-home diabetes kit to help, complete with several servings of whole grain bread, a big bottle of cranberry juice, some 600 unit vitamin D tablets, a container of Irish oatmeal, and some nice bottled water.
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